I’ve gotten a lot of email since AVN ran it’s July cover story on girl/girl studios. The writer for AVN mentioned Sweetheart Video as one of the top girl/girl companies, which was an amazing thing to do considering how new we are. But I assume the fact that I wrote and directed some high profile films for another studio, before starting Sweetheart with Jon Blitt, gave us a leg up on the competition.

What it also did, though, was raise the question of whether any of us are at all distinguishable from the next (girl/girl!) guy. The article seemed to portray my former studio as spawning the rest of us, creating other studios in its own image. I’m getting a little bit tired of that perception, so I’d like to address it here.

When I was approached by my former studio, I was told they needed a “shot in the arm,” in the form of new writing, new vision, and most importantly, a female director. Already a veteran of the adult industry, I had also been a writer my entire life. I was only a teenager when I first wrote a play called “Hookers - The Musical” (complete with songs which I also wrote.) I commissioned my two best girlfriends Francesca and Jennifer to perform the play with me, which we did in their parent’s living room. (The script contained nude scenes, but I edited that part out due to the fact that their parents and dinner guests were clearly mortified.) The script even had “XXX” scrawled in crayon across the front page. Horrifying, but true. I wrote plays for my girlfriends and myself to perform all through my teen years, and the scripts were always based on love, sex, tension, seduction. So I didn’t just start writing this stuff in the past few years.

What my former studio did afford me, was the chance to learn porn as a trade, and hone my own style.  I’ll always be grateful to them for giving me a chance to express myself and to learn some technical skills that I still put in practice today. But when I came on board at my former studio, everyone noticed the change in films.  

I believe in giving credit where credit is due, and my former studio did innovate some new techniques and make way for a new sensibility. Just as Elvis learned from Chuck Berry, and as The Beatles took from Motown, of course I have my past influences mixed in with my own creativity. Taking a little of what came before you always makes you a better artist, and more likely to continue in the tradition of previous innovators.

But Sweetheart Video is an original, and the films and ideas we’re bringing to life here, along with the writing, is not anything that was started somewhere else by someone else.  As much as I appreciate the publicity of the AVN article, I wish there was a little more said about how each of our studios are different. But the proof is in the pudding, so hopefully our films will tell the real story — a story of the past, the present, and the future. Because Sweetheart Video will be around for a very long time.

When I was a teenager I was obsessed with old movies.  It might even be argued that they were my undoing (to the extent that a 13 year old life can be undone.)  I was an avid reader of TV Guide back then, and I would scan its pages for the classic movies due to broadcast each day and circle whichever piqued my interest.  James Cagney was my number one crush, but say the words “Gary Cooper” and you’d have my full attention within seconds. (By “full attention” I mean I’d turn my body slightly toward you as you spoke, never making eye contact, and start biting my nails.)    As for female movie stars, like everyone else I obsessed on Marilyn Monroe (though I preferred her in the “Norma Jean” years, with her frizzed-out brown hair and accidentally sexy overbite.)  Marilyn was the girl everyone wanted to love, but the “sirens” were the type I aspired to BE.  Rita Hayworth, Ava Gardner, Jennifer Jones, Dorothy Dandridge – they really knew how to be women, and I studied their films with the intensity of a crazed mathematician in search of the largest prime number.  In fact, after watching “Gilda” for the first time I took my father’s pack of Pall Mall cigarettes into the bathroom, lit up, and watched myself exhale into my own reflection in the toothpaste-smeared mirror.   

“I hate you Johnny,” I confessed, looking angrily into my own eyes.  “I hate you so much I’d destroy myself to take you down with me.”   

I had barely gotten the words out when I felt the overwhelming urge to puke, which I did, right into the toilet below me.  I had never tried a cigarette before and my father smoked the unfiltered variety — my thirteen-year-old lungs simply couldn’t cope.  Unfortunately, I didn’t manage to take Johnny down with me –but there would be other attempts.  It would be years before I stopped skipping school to stay home and watch my favorite stars tap dance in Technicolor or squash a grapefruit into the face of a perfectly-coiffed co-star.  I would be suspended from school and finally expelled before my obsession was satiated. 

But as I got older my fascination with classic movie stars faded somewhat, replaced by a vigorous obsession with strippers and porn stars.  Seka, Sharon Mitchell, Nina Hartley – theirs were the faces I saw staring down at me from billboards in Times Square, and they captured my imagination and commanded my attention just as Rita and Jimmy and Marilyn had.  I, too, dreamed of being sexy and sparkly and adventurous.  I fantasized about one day having these women as my friends and lovers — and of being counted among their ilk. 

It’s funny how we always seem to come back to that which we fundamentally are.  Through a series of strange events, choices, acts of fate, and sudden diversions, I am now a porn director and writer with the creative freedom to film almost anything I choose.  So this month I chose to pay homage to one of my earliest obsessions – classic noir films.  With a spectacular, inspired script by my friend Ray McLean (known on this and the lezlove forum as “Birdwatcher”), a reclusive genius-type who lives an ocean away, I was able to bring this fantasy to life. 

I cast Samantha Ryan in the role of femme fatale, Satine Phoenix as the woman from the wrong side of the tracks who sees through Samantha’s manipulations yet is too weak to resist them, Annabelle Lee as the “voice of reason” and Samantha’s loyal maid, and the incomparable Mz. Berlin as the classic Golden Age of Hollywood contract star.   The script was large and wordsy, so I cast girls who I knew would not only play the roles well but would be willing to go the extra mile to learn dialogue word for word (noir must be played with adherence to a certain vernacular and cadence) and do the extra “set ups” required to bring the sex scenes to life.   

Samantha Ryan far exceeded my expectations.  Recalling even when a vase had been placed slightly more to the left in a previous take, she worked hard to preserve the artistic integrity of the shoot.  She looked stunningly beautiful and I’m convinced that not even the crème de la crème of mainstream Hollywood could have done a better job with the role. She is truly incandescent.  

Satine Phoenix, I dare say one of the truly sexiest women I’ve ever known, put aside her ego (and her usual pretty girl accoutrements), and dressed it down for her role as the pool girl who falls for the dangerous blonde Samantha.  Satine knew every line by heart, and stayed in character the entire shoot – even when the cameras weren’t rolling.  It was a side of her I’d never seen, and it reminded me what a consummate artist she truly is.  I’m convinced that there’s almost nothing Satine can’t do. 

In a small but pivotal role, Annabelle Lee brought just the right mixture of subservience and sarcasm as Samantha’s maid and sometime lover.  Although she told me she was nervous about doing a scene with the preternaturally beautiful Samantha, I certainly saw no trace of it.  She was a complete pro, even offering to come back the next day, unpaid, to contribute more dialogue. (Unheard of.  Did you hear me? UNHEARD OF! This is Los Angeles!)    

But the real revelation of this film was the astounding Mz. Berlin.  From her vintage champagne colored dressing gowns to her blood red lipstick, crimson hair and long black eyelashes, Berlin truly looked as if she’d stepped out of a 1940s film – or a time machine.  As the psychotic, controlling dominatrix movie star, she commanded every scene she was in.  I was mesmerized, and unspeakably grateful, for her immeasurable contribution to this film.  Expect to see a lot more from Berlin in future Sweetheart productions. 

This blog would not be complete without a thank you to my amazing crew: Reno Ash who works second camera like a freak while keeping me laughing so hard my head starts to hurt, Kevin Moore, who takes some of the most beautiful stills mine eyes have ever seen, “Dick Skanky” a.k.a. my Johnny on the Spot production assistant, Doug Feral, who graciously loaned us his Webley revolver for the final scene, and of course the amazing Ray McLean, who wrote the script that inspired us all to reach for such dizzying heights.            

So we had our impromptu “release party” (which doubled as a comeback party for Stephanie Swift), at Sardo’s on Tuesday night and it was a big success.  Standing room only.  There was a huge line of fans outside the door and unfortunately some people couldn’t get in at all.  (And some of those people included friends of mine!  But it was so chaotic that nobody was able to get a message to me that they were stuck outside, and I was oblivious to the whole thing.  I’ll try not to let that sort of thing happen again.)

We had a VIP section of several tables perched above the main floor, and the club very quickly filled up with a Who’s Who of the adult industry.  Michelle Lay, Reno Ash, Stephanie Swift, Brianna Love, Sinn Sage, Annabelle Lee, Trinity Post, Tee Reel, Nick Manning and his gorgeous date, Rick Solomon (the latest Pamela Anderson ex-husband) and various fetish models milled around, dancing, drinking, sitting on each other’s laps.  The flashbulbs never stopped, so there are many pictures of me holding my hand up in front of my face like an obnoxious celebrity fending off paparazzi.  But really I was just getting dizzy from the lights.  After a solid minute of flashbulbs going off right in your face, believe me — you start to feel a little freaked out. 

Sinn Sage, as usual, was the belle of the ball.  The more time I spend with her, the more I love her.  Not least of all because she really knows how to sling that awesome sex appeal!  When I first met Sinn she was just starting to do video work, and she was just a thoughtful, hippie-chick tomboy trying her sexuality on in public for the first time.  Now she’s come into full bloom, and then some!  It’s so beautiful to see a young, hot girl truly enjoying her sex appeal and letting others enjoy it, too.  Sinn has a very sex-positive vibe — she isn’t in the industry by accident, she’s not on drugs, she’s not desperate for money or attention.  She’s just being Sinn, and it’s a beautiful sight to behold. 

So she sat on my lap and made out with me for a while (she’s a really good kisser — and she’s a great lover, too; I did a scene with her a few months ago), and then she went up to sing karaoke.  Sinn has a very powerful voice and really belts it out — on key!  (Almost impossible to do with karaoke, I find.) First she sang “Criminal” by Fiona Apple, and she sounds a lot like Fiona, actually.  She also sang “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix Alott (how appropriate.) Then she and I sang “Summer Lovin’” from Grease (she was John Travolta, I was Olivia Newton John.)

 Stephanie, who loves karaoke more than anyone I’ve ever met, sang “Come Together” by the Beatles, and she was her usual adorable and sexy self.  It was so cute to see her rocking out.  Then Jon Blitt, my boss, the big guy, showed up and it was so great to see him.  He lives in Canada, of course, so even though I talk to him almost every day I’ve only hung out with him a handful of times — mostly at AVN.  I had been drinking an Irish Coffee, so he teased me about being drunk.  “I can tell you’re drunk because you have that happy smile, the happy drunk smile” he said, and I told him to just be quiet.

We were in a great mood though, because so many wonderful things are happening for Sweetheart Video.  We’re getting opportunities to expand and grow already, and the buzz about our first releases is outstanding.  People really are ready for us and our philosophies about sex, women, and erotic film, and it’s a very magical time.   Everyone wishes for the opportunity to decorate their time in history in some way, and I feel so good about the way we’re doing that in our little corner of the entertainment world.

We took hundreds of photos at the Sardo’s party, so I will most definitely find a way to get them posted for you soon.  I’m sorry about the wait for the forum, and thank you so much for your continued patience, everyone.

Love,
Nica    

Recently I asked fans to send me ideas on what they’d like me to blog about, and I got some very good suggestions.  So I’ve decided to do this as a little Q&A.  Feel free to send more questions if you have them, and I’ll do this for you every now and then.

Q: Who develops your story ideas and how?

A: I develop most of the story ideas myself.  I take them from my own life experiences, relationships I’ve had, or books I’ve read that have made an impression on me.  There’s really no end to the amount of material inside my head, as I have been having lesbian encounters since I was a teenager and I continue to have interesting interactions and encounters that I draw from artistically. 

Sometimes, too, I use bad memories or negative experiences from my past.  For example, in an upcoming scene with Sinn Sage in Lesbian Daydreams, I play a perverted artist who starts coming on to my lovely naked model (Sinn) while drawing her portrait.  I took this idea from a real life experience – it happened to me when I was 20 years old in New York City.  I was modeling for an “artist” who told me to pose as if I were masturbating, and to make “sexy faces, as if you’re having an orgasm.”  He was a pervert, obviously, but I was alone with him in his apartment and nobody knew I was there, so I didn’t know what to do.  I remember that feeling very well – the fear, the shame, and the sense of danger and excitement that comes from being in a situation that violates what you expect.  I wasn’t aroused by the experience, but now I can turn it into something more erotic for purposes of the film.  It’s therapeutic, in a way!

Other times I take story ideas from fans, or sometimes Jon (Blitt) has an idea that we develop together.  There is one caveat to anything I shoot, though – it has to turn me on.  One fan recently contributed a script that I loved and have decided to use, while another script he submitted, one that depicts a lesbian sports team, I passed on.  The script was great, but I just don’t find sports erotic.  So I don’t think I’m the right person to shoot that film, even if many fans would find it perfectly hot.

 Q:  I know the scenes are not scripted, but how much detail is discussed before shooting? 

A:  Quite the contrary — every scene I shoot is scripted, and the roles are almost always written with a particular model in mind.  This is why I get such good results from the models – most of the time the model’s character is written in accordance with her specific speech patterns, syntax, temperament and emotional range.  I put a great deal of thought into writing the scripts and casting the films, and I consider the story as important as the sex scene (which is not scripted.)

The models are not expected to memorize the script, but to be familiar enough with the story and the dialogue to effectively play the role and communicate the narrative to the audience.  Again, because the roles are written with certain girls in mind, they generally find it quite easy to learn the lines and to improvise the parts they’ve forgotten.

 Q:  What do you know about your core audience? 

A:  I know as much as it is possible to know, as there is (shockingly) no real market research data for the adult industry.  But I read and participate in fan forums, communicate with fans via email and message boards, and read the reviews.  Communication with the fans is very important to me, as I am obviously not in this field purely as a self-indulgent, personal hobby.  I wouldn’t be here without the fans, and pleasing them and letting them feel a part of the process is paramount.

That said, from what I can discern the fans of this genre seem in general to be well educated, articulate, even perhaps a bit “geeky” (in the good, smart way!) and pay a lot of attention to detail.  They are nobody’s fools, and they appreciate genuine effort.  They tend to have positive feelings toward women, and they are aroused by intimacy and realism rather than artifice and meaningless sex.  In short, they’re my kind of people. 

 Q: Would you ever go into “fetish” acts like golden showers, for instance? 

A:  Never say never, but at the moment it’s not on the agenda.  I may do a bondage/fetish line, or a toy line, but it will be advertised as such so that fans who don’t wish to see such things will steer clear.  (The exception to this rule is strap-ons, which I occasionally use in my films, but I would prefer to show them within a “strap on series.” One such film is in the works.) 

I have nothing against golden showers or similar types of fetish play, but I just don’t hear my fans asking for that right now.  Also, I don’t have any lesbian golden shower fantasies so I wouldn’t feel personally inspired to shoot such a scene.  But the mind is a funny thing, and sometimes fantasies evolve over time, so again… never say never!

 Q:  Why do women perform sex acts in front of the camera?  You can’t get rich doing it, so it can’t just be for the money. Are they all exhibitionists? 

A:  I think the answers are complex and probably a bit different for everyone.  For me, I consider sex to be high art; something integral and beautiful and worth documenting as any other form of beauty is worth apprehending and documenting.  There are true artists and geniuses of sex, just as there are geniuses in other areas of life.  I know people scoff at that notion, but they shouldn’t.  The sad truth is, most people don’t know their own sexuality and bodies very well, nor do they know much about how to please others in that regard.  Yet almost everyone wants to be thought of as “good in bed” and we consider such a distinction to be among the biggest of compliments.  We can assume, then, that everyone recognizes the value of an excellent sexual performance — whether a camera is present or not.

In my observation, I find many women (and men) are predisposed to enjoy sex in a more open way than others, and many of these people are drawn to the sex industry.  We find our work gratifying and expansive.  We don’t understand why the rest of the world is so hypocritical – buying toys and videos and then making fun of us for providing them with the tools they need to enjoy sex the way they want to. 

To us, performing a sex act in front of the camera is no stranger than it is for a mainstream actress to cry on camera or otherwise “bare her soul.”  The idea that sex is dirty, and that performing in the sex industry is a symptom of mental illness or some other psychological malady is unfortunate – and also remarkable.  The sex drive is second only to the survival instinct, and it’s amazing how much trouble we have accepting this wholly natural and beautiful part of life.

Some of us are born to be scientists, others painters, others sex performers.  (And some all three!)  Hopefully one day this truth will be accepted and not held suspect.  Sex performers bring a lot of joy to a lot of people, and it would be nice if the world could acknowledge that and stop wondering what’s wrong with us.

Well I have to get ready for the big party at Sardos on Tuesday night, and I hope I’ll see many of you there!  The forum will be up again soon, we’re so sorry for the delay… Just hang in there… good things are coming this month.  Including our first releases, LESBIAN CHRONICLES – WASTED YEARS, and LESBIAN CONFESSIONS!

See you soon!

Love, Nica 

It’s so frustrating.  I don’t even want to talk about it.  Cursed spammers!!! Sorry everyone, but we can’t let people post unauthorized links up on the forum, for obvious reasons.  So we’re putting in to place a more elaborate registration system to lock the spammers out. Hopefully there won’t be any more interruptions after this — it really is quite a nuisance. 

In the meantime, let me tell you what’s been going on at SV.  I’ve spent today reviewing the final edits for “The Lesbian Adventures of Satine Phoenix” and “Lesbian Beauties - Older/Younger” respectively, so they’re pretty much ready to go.  Finally our movies are set for release!  As you know, or hopefully have heard, April is the month we will debut.  Sometimes referred to as “the cruelest month,” April is actually the month I’ve been waiting for all year. 

I’ve also just finished shooting Sapphic Lolita, starring Trinity Post, Annabelle Lee, Ariel X, Aubrey Adams, Randi James and yours truly.  (Some of you may have already read a little about it on my myspace — before it was deleted!)  In light of my long standing obsession with Vladimir Nabokov, it was only a matter of time before I got around to making films inspired by his work.  Sapphic Lolita is my first effort in this lofty regard.  It was truly an act of love, and I felt completely magical while doing it.  The Sapphic Lolita shoot was a beautiful, glorious two days. 

It was also beautiful to do a scene with Trinity again.  It’s been almost two years since we did our scene for Lesbian Psychotherapists Part 1, and in that time we’ve become even closer friends than we already were.  Not “phony hollywood” close either — you know, where you call someone a close friend but you never actually see them unless it’s totally convenient, and you can’t even remember their last name.  Trinity is someone I think about practically every day.  She captures my imagination in a very definite way, and I saw her as my Lolita long before I knew that one day I’d film her as such. 

There’s something so inherently interesting and fascinating about truly honest people like Trinity, because you can get into real conversations with them.  Unlike the frauds among us, they don’t have a “canned rap” where they simply repeat oft-rehearsed lines or quote other people’s words — repeating carefully memorized phrases made famous by soulful geniuses like Shakespeare or James Joyce.  I confess, I used to be easily impressed by those bombastic, “look at me” types, because I thought they were sophisticated and brilliant, rather than what they really were: good at theatrics.  But then I discovered that most people who constantly quote others do so because they can’t think of anything original or honest to say on their own — they want to appear profound, clever, great, but they can’t come up with the goods themselves.   Touch upon certain subjects and they get that terrified, deer in the headlights look, as they search their memory for some famous quote or phrase.  Something that will get them through the unchartered territory with their dignity still intact, their false image still reflecting the spotlight they imagine is trained on them at all times.  But Trinity Post is that unique type of charismatic woman who excites and fascinates purely through being honest and real.  You can get into wonderful conversations with her that go anywhere and everywhere, because she’s so poignantly honest.  And when unencumbered by pretense and trappings, the truth is always more exciting than artifice. 

So returning to my narrative — Trinity and I were in charachter for hours upon hours: she as the young nymph and I as the repressed older woman who develops a shameful, secret obsession with her.  All day long Trinity as “Lola” teased and baited me while I stared, leered, wanted.  I’d bite my lip in frustration as she pretended not to notice how her skirt would ride up above her perfect little apple-bottom when she bent over to pick up her algebra book.  Or when she “accidentally” dropped her towel after emerging from the shower, then stood there naked with a finger in her mouth.  She was simply brilliant as the young seductress who cannot fully comprehend her own immense sexual powers — or the danger she courts by yielding that formidable weapon so recklessly. 

After all the tension building between us for two days, when it was finally time to do the sex scene we almost devoured each other.  For those of you who thought our scene in Psychotherapist was hot, I can almost assure you that it pales in comparison to this one.   When the scene was over our camera lady said “I have to leave this room now or I’m gonna jump into bed with both of you.”  (The other camera lady said, simply, “Holy shit.”) 

Trinity and I both had the same idea to call each other today, just to say hi and I love you and thank you and it’s such an honor to work with you and let’s hang out really soon.  Sometimes you do a scene with someone and never hear from them again, or they from you, so it’s really special when you care about someone enough to follow up sex with a phone call.  It’s funny how just a little gesture like that can add so much meaning and texture to the whole experience, and color the way you’ll remember it forever.  It’s interesting how some things are deemed “meaningful” only when both involved parties agree that the interaction was special and memorable and not just the typical fare. 

I will say, though, that sex with Trinity Post is not for those who have failed to keep their cardiovascular systems running at peak performance.  It’s a good thing I kickbox almost every day.  After Annabelle Lee did a scene with Trinity, she actually needed her inhaler.  “I’d heard other girls talk about her and what a great scene she does,” Annabelle said, taking deep breaths.  “But I guess I just wasn’t really prepared for how intense it would actually be.” 

I’m going to try to fast track Sapphic Lolita, if I possibly can.  I can’t wait for you all to see it. 

Pairings:

Ariel X and Aubrey Addams
Trinity Post and Annabelle Lee
Nica Noelle and Randi James
Nica Noelle and Trinity Post

I’ve had several emails from fans today asking for the low down on my b/g shoot yesterday and details on how the film in which the scene will appear (“Angel”) is progressing.  And since my MySpace account has been deleted (I guess the pictures I posted from yesterday’s shoot were too risqué.  I can’t wait to have galleries on the sweetheart website!) the time seemed ripe for another blog update.

For those of you who don’t know, my b/g scene will be edited as a quick soft core interlude, in addition to the usual explicit, hardcore girl/girl scenes in the film.  My costar was Manuel Ferrara, who is known for his seductive, romantic, intense performances.  He’s a very passionate performer, so he was perfect for the role.  After all, I needed someone who could make love like an actual boyfriend might; not just do porn trash talk and squirt cum on me.  Manuel did a fantastic job not only with the sex scene but with the dialogue too – his interpretation of his character was dead on.

The experience of doing b/g for me was probably a little different than for girls who do it all the time.  First of all, I had already met and befriended Manuel and so I felt pretty comfortable going in.  It felt more like preparing for a romantic rendezvous than for a porn scene.  The one thing I was worried about was whether my “technical” performance would be any good – after all, I rarely make love to men, even in my personal life.  But Manuel guided me through the technical issues specific to The Penis, all the while making me feel as if he were totally focused on me and we were actually making love.  Manuel is like a latter day Don Juan; a passionate lover of women, sex and romance, and for the time you are with him, he is fully yours.    

In the ways that count most, my boy/girl scene wasn’t much different than a Sweetheart Video girl/girl scene.  I was able to focus on my partner and let myself experience it as a true sexual encounter, just as I do with another girl.  That said, it’s probably more physically demanding and emotionally intense to be with a guy.  I’m still analyzing why that might be.  It could be because Manuel made me squirt, which is something I’ve never done in my entire life. (Not even Nina Hartley got me there with all of her toys and gadgets and expertise, so I’m pretty impressed!  I’ll have to edit the scene as a separate hardcore version so interested fans can check it out if they wanna see.)    

Other scenes we shot yesterday involved the star of the film, Alex McKay. Alex plays the title role of Angel, and her real life partner Zoe plays her girlfriend in the film.  It’s been interesting working with Alex and Zoe.  They’re both completely lesbian, not bisexual, and they’ve never done any work in the adult industry before.  They sometimes call me late at night with questions or just to talk and get reassurance.  It’s been interesting terrain for them to navigate, and it’s almost like culture shock for them and for me.  We speak two different languages.  For instance, in my world its fine and even desirable for someone to take off all their clothes at a party; in their world, people who do that are 5150’d.  Sometimes they don’t understand me or something I’ve said, and it occurs to me that my life is pretty wild these days, even though I stay home most nights writing and reading and listening to Bach or Scott Joplin.  My extreme moments are very extreme.  Sex with Manuel Ferrara or Kylie Ireland; then home to Palos Verdes, nature hikes and solitude.  My candle burns at both ends, it does not last the night… but gives a lovely light! I think the poem goes.  (Edna St. Vincent Millay)   

Physically I’m feeling good, if a little sore today.  I had a wonderful experience with Manuel doing the scene, and while I can’t imagine I’d do it again with any other performer (other than Manuel) I’m glad I had the experience.  It was exciting and expansive and sexy, and I learned I could squirt.  But now I must get back to my girls and to lesbian sex, and so I shall… I have my film interpretation of “Lolita” to gear up for next, and I can’t wait.  Lesbian Nabokov – really, what could be better to a perverted geek girl than that? 

Recently I had a rather tense debate with a male porn actor with whom I am friends.  Despite that he works in the adult industry and therefore, by definition, is not “Mr. Conventional,” it shocked me to find his ideology was fraught with harsh conclusions about what drives women to a career in porn.

He began by insisting I had been sexually abused, as he claimed otherwise there is “no way” I would be in porn.  That all “research and data” in this area points to my having been a victim, most probably in early childhood.  (He based this belief simply on the fact that I work in the adult industry and that I am bisexual.) 

“I am 110% certain that you were sexually abused,” he said. “No, make that 500%.” 

When I told him I had no recollection of ever being abused but that I do recall always having a strong interest in sex, he took it as further evidence that I was repressing some horrible memory.  He clearly had an agenda – to view the world as an orderly place where people are easy to categorize, their behaviors statistically predictable – so I finally gave up on the discussion.

But it got me thinking about the whole “sexual abuse” thing.  About how women who are curious about or open to alternative sexual experiences are still held suspect and categorized as “victims.”  I haven’t done a controlled or uncontrolled study, but I have a lot of personal and observational experience in this area.  

Let me begin by admitting that there are a number of women in the sex industry who have some sexual abuse in their background.  I don’t know if it’s a higher percentage than in the mainstream business world, though, because the culture is so different.  That is, women in the sex industry talk about such things openly and in casual conversation while civilian women tend NOT to (particularly not at the office!)  But it’s true that a woman who doesn’t view “boundaries” in a conventional way might have an easier time with the idea of being a porn star than would someone who was raised in an environment where all rules were followed.         

Stigma is a difficult thing to grapple with.  So it follows that those who seek out a stigmatized lifestyle are deemed damaged in some way.  Society rewards those who follow the rules, i.e., get married (to the opposite sex), have kids, stay wholesome, monogamous and nose-to-the-grindstone.  And it makes sense that we would reward those traits, because to encourage everyone to break the rules would be to invite anarchy.  Our species evolved as a group, working together, following rules, and that’s what we want to encourage.  So if someone steps outside of that, they’re immediately suspect.

But there have always been a certain number of people who didn’t follow the rules.  Society needs us too, in order to move forward and try out new things.  Those of us who live and think “outside the box” will never be selected out, because we’re useful and necessary to society in a different way.  Those who question the status quo, who question religion, who question the prevailing wisdom in the sciences and seek higher truths rather than the safety of order and tradition, will always be necessary and valuable.

It may sound lofty, but I think adult industry workers should be included in that group.  The fact that porn is a multi-billion dollar industry says that there is a deep human need to view erotic materials and to watch one another in sexual situations.  Something that universal can’t honestly be viewed as inherently unnatural, and damaging can it?  Yet it always has been, and largely continues to be.  Even by those who take part in it, as evidenced by my male friend. 

We all want the right to view erotic materials, yet we demean and judge those brave men and women who perform in it for our secret pleasure.  We want to categorize them as damaged, sexually abused, confused, dirty, out of control, the list goes on.  But I view eroticism as expansive, both psychologically and emotionally.  If you can get past the stigma attached to sex and sexuality the world suddenly opens up in a new way.  It allows for a better understanding of ourselves and ultimately each other.  This may be an idealized way to look at it, but it’s been true for me.  I continue to find that even civilians I meet are intrigued and drawn to what I do for a living, and seek me out for conversation and interaction.  Why should this be so?  Why isn’t everyone recoiling in horror?  Trust me, they don’t.      

I wish my male comrade could see that a variety of reasons can drive the same behavior.  For instance, some of us have healthy eating habits; others overeat due to emotional or psychological issues.  You can’t assume that anyone who eats a big piece of pie is struggling with emotional issues, just because a large number of emotional eaters binge on pie.  Likewise, some people are drawn to the adult industry because they have psychological issues, while others (like Nina Hartley) were drawn to it because the mainstream world didn’t allow them to explore their sexuality the way they needed and wanted to.

I left the church in which I was raised because my curiosities and questions about the world could not be accommodated by my faith.  Likewise, I left the mainstream world because my beliefs about sexuality, love, and eroticism could not be accommodated by the constraints of our puritanical society. 

Hopefully the stigma I feel so comfortable carrying will ultimately benefit those who would themselves buckle under the weight of society’s disdain.  But maybe one day there won’t be such a difference between adult performers and “civilians.”  We’ll all just be people with diverse and varying experiences, both positive and negative, helping each other to understand our world for the all too brief time we are here.     

As everyone awaits Sweetheart Video’s first releases, many fans have taken the opportunity to ask how we plan to distinguish ourselves from the other girl/girl studios — or rather, which studios we plan to fashion ourselves after.

“Will you be like Girlfriends Films?” (I’ve been asked more times than I can count.) “Or are you going in a Viv Thomas direction? Abby Winters? I think you should take a page from the Triangle book and use younger girls” etc., etc.

It’s curious that people assume Sweetheart must follow a path already paved by others, when in reality nothing could be further from my plans.

One of the best things about being the creative force behind Sweetheart Video is that it allows me to break new ground and forge new trails — not just follow old ones. This genre is a true passion of mine, and I need look no further than my own imagination and fantasy life for inspiration and direction.

I have never been a consumer of boy/girl erotica, and every video I create, every storyline and script, is in some way based on a real life experience of mine or a fantasy in which I indulged. And while I sometimes use an idea or storyline sent to me by a fan, I only do so if I personally find the story sexually provocative. In other words: if it doesn’t get me off, you won’t be seeing it in a Sweetheart Video.

“Behind every great porn movie,” says my friend, director Ernest Greene, “is one guy’s hard on.” Or in my case, one girl’s.

When I was discovering my sexuality and first seeking out erotic materials (oh so many years ago!) I chiefly looked to girl/girl video and books. As books were easier to get — and easier to hide under my mattress — my fantasy life became largely fueled by the written word. The Victorian novel “A Man With a Maid” was one of my favorites due to the abundance of lesbian sex passages found in its pages. The titillating imagery of young girls with young girls, or girls being pleasured against their will, and older ladies introduced to lesbian pleasures and brought to orgasm after orgasm with feathers, tongues and tribadism, captured my imagination asd nothing ever had. To me it was the most erotic book in the world, and I would quickly turn the pages past any boy/girl exploits to get to the next lesbian encounter.

Because my fantasy life was so fueled by literature, I have maintained throughout my life a belief that a great story is vital to a great orgasm. It’s the difference between having sex with someone you simply find attractive versus sex with someone who pushes your most intimate psychological buttons. Sex is in the head, and thus the greater the psychological investment, the more intense the orgasm. Stories are not simply a way for me to justify getting to the “real action” and to distinguish Sweetheart from “gonzo” style porn — stories are to me the very heart of good erotica.

This month I begin production on one of my most ambitious and innovative projects yet. It stars a true lesbian couple who have never before starred in an erotic film — or ventured into the adult industry at all. Still, they’ve been generous enough to share with me intimate details of their relationship and of their feelings for each other, and I’m using some of these details in the film in which they will star.

I knew I had struck gold with this couple when one of the women called me and said, “I need to ask you something. I watch porn films and I notice the girls always look pretty when they have an orgasm. I don’t think I look pretty when I come. Do I have to have a fake orgasm so I’ll look pretty? Because I want to have a real one, but I’m afraid it won’t be glamorous enough.” This was music to my ears — a model asking me to allow her to experience real orgasms rather than “porn-style” ones. This is precisely the type of eroticism and realism I hope to bring to every Sweetheart release. And I venture to say that we’re off to a very good start.